Thursday, November 13, 2008

Twilight: The lost script!


ALICE: I predict Bella is NOT going to like this picture.
JASPER: Yeah, baby. Edward's hair is totally weird in it. And his posture is definitely less than godlike. But I will use my mind powers to calm her down.
BELLA: I know Edward means well, but when he holds my hands behind my back like this, I sort of feel like I'm being arrested and being arrested reminds me of my dad, and when I'm standing right next to my boyfriend, I don't really want to be thinking about my dad and handcuffs, you know? It just doesn't feel right.
EDWARD: She is so wobbly! If I weren't holding her like this, she would fall over. Do you think she has an undiagnosed inner ear infection? Carlisle could prescribe some antibiotics. I will ask him to do so immediately. Otherwise, Bella might die and then the rest of my immortality would be a prison of sorrows.
ROSALIE: I wonder if Bella knows that her brown jacket isn't all that flattering. It makes me angrier than my perpetually empty womb to look at her.
EMMETT: Rosalie saved me from death by a bear. Is there anything hotter? Man, I've got to get her into the woods again soon.




JAMES: OK, see, when I force you into the light? Your skin is definitely sparkly.
EDWARD: Oh, and you are laboring under the illusion that you yourself do not glisten like little girl's toy pony?
JAMES: I'm nowhere near as sparkly as you, you prig. Look at my hands. I haven't washed in weeks. It definitely tones down the gleam.
EDWARD: I can't really see your hands, not when they are wrapped around my windpipe. Do you mind releasing me a moment, so I can more fully appreciate your skin-care technique?
JAMES: Not a bit. Check it, dude. Pure filth. It masks my scent so when I am tracking humans, like your delicious girlfriend, all they smell is 100 percent animal stink.
EDWARD: Psyche! I will now slam your body into this mirror with total disregard for the fact that breaking it will cause me seven years of bad luck which will start immediately in the sequel to "Twilight."
JAMES: Sequel?
EDWARD: Yes, you moron. Even though there are people who travel to rinky-dink Forks to see Bella's house and purchase uniforms worn by the local cheerleaders, we are all as fake as Nigerian banking chain letters.
JAMES: My life has no meaning. Slam me into the mirror, please.



BELLA: I like this jacket a lot better.
EDWARD: I will burn the other and sprinkle the ashes in the four corners of the Earth, so that it never offends you again.
BELLA: You're amazing.
EDWARD: You're amazing.
BELLA: No, you are.
EDWARD: I said it first.
BELLA: No, actually, I did. Just look at the transcript.
EDWARD: You're right, my alabaster fairy. Would you mind scooting away from the waterfall? You're making me nervous.
BELLA: So are you saying I'm clumsy? I knew it. You couldn't possibly love me. You are like a god and I am an adolescent head case.
EDWARD: Shh, love. Don't talk. Let me carry you on my back as though you were either a toddler or a sack of potatoes. Then we will ride in my Volvo and not engage in any carnal activities whatsoever.
BELLA: You're amazing.
EDWARD: No, you are. (Repeat...)
EDWARD: Yes, this is a vintage Members Only jacket. You know how you weren't born yet in the '80s, Bella? I was. In fact, I was an 80-year-old man trapped in the body of a 17-year-old vampire. I wear this ensemble without irony. What'd you say? You asked if was I in high school then, too? Indeed I was. I am repeating high school because when you're as good looking as I am, high school is fun. It's amazing to me how people in Forks haven't noticed. No, Bella. No, of course not, my pet! Of course you're the first girl in my life I've ever kissed. Yes, you're pretty. Bella! BELLA! Come back!

EDWARD: Oh my God! What happened to your ears! Did someone hurt you, my love?
BELLA: What? I can't hear you. I'm wearing my earbuds and rocking out. Have I told you today that you are gorgeous? Your torso looks like it's carved from marble. Who cares that your skin's so cold I have to wear a blanket when we snuggle? You're yummy!
EDWARD: OK, if you can't hear me, then I will whisper the words I've longed to utter for a century. I love you. Love, love, love, kissy, kissy.
BELLA: Um, Edward, I was just kidding. I can still hear you when I have my earbuds on.
EDWARD: I meant every word of it. You are the sweet love of my life. My nostrils flare to embrace your intoxicating scent.
BELLA: Do you have any Tic Tacs? I feel like I should, I don't know, eat a breath mint or something. We're going to kiss soon, right?
EDWARD: I fear my passions will overwhelm me. Let us just hold hands and take another ride in my swift, swift Volvo.
BELLA: Can't hear you. Earbuds.
ROSALIE HALE: Ugh. There she is, that human brat Bella, with her scent that my fake brother Edward finds so darned irresistible. She will be the death of us all with her clumsy ways and noisy, American-made truck. Why can't she find herself a nice, human boyfriend? There are certainly a horde of stinky ones gathering around her, like flies to honey. Where is my Emmett? I must go to him so we can kill a wild animal together and drink of its blood. If I still ate, that silly human would make me want to puke.

BELLA: So did you do the chemistry homework?
EDWARD: Like, 100 years ago.
BELLA: No, seriously. Quit making jokes about our age difference. I have to do my homework before I go home and cook my dad his dinner.
EDWARD: You are a magnificent flower and the sweet cherry atop my life's sundae. Marry me and your life will be distilled bliss, for I do not eat food that requires cooking, and I am rich enough that your chemistry grade matters not a whit.
BELLA: Um, let's not talk about what you eat.
EDWARD: Your wish is my command, fragrant blossom.
BELLA: I don't understand how you can say that. I'm just a plain, awkward girl who needs to strap herself to the commode so she doesn't fall off. Accident-prone is my middle name.
EDWARD: I will sneak into your bathroom and offer my steady, marble-like arms as your supports. No harm shall come to you, my pet.
BELLA: OK, but you have to be really quiet about it and stuff, because my dad is, like, the police chief and even though he can't cook his own dinner, he will totally OWN your undead badonkadonk if he catches you.
EDWARD: (Laughs) Did you just see that? I sprinted to the end of these mossy rocks and back in less time than you took to say badonkadonk.
BELLA: Kiss me unchastely, you sexy beast.
EDWARD: Let's do your chemistry first, and then we shall go for a ride in my Volvo.
BELLA: See? I am ugly. My vampire boyfriend doesn't even want to neck.

3 comments:

Kimber said...

Wow, you are quite the author, but I can read people's thoughts as well:
DIEGO: Look at all my wussy neighbors. It is mid-November and they don't even have their Christmas lights up yet.
SAM: Look at my amazing husband up on the roof putting up Christmas lights in mid-November.
MINNIE: Pet me, pet me, feed me, hold me, pet me some more.

Proctor said...

I am so glad you love Amazing Race too!. so Glad that Terrance the emotional moron is off, but I like mom and son right now (don't remember names) While I like Tina and hubby, I am a little tired of him trying to prove himself to her. Can't wait for this week!

Proctor said...

DanDrew are insane idiots! Comic relief with the marching try though. I am on board with the mom/son team, glad that bro/sis team had a fall from grace for an episode even though they will probably win overall.